And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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