i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
