yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
