When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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