I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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