I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
