You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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