At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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