Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
