I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
