If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
