I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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