I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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