Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
