My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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