dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
