You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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