I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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