If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
