Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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