i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
