I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
