I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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