farters have to be the big spoon...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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