Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
