I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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