Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
