I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
