We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
