You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
