The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
