this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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