my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
