I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
