I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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