To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
