My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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