Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
