I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
