Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
