My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
