Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
