OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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