I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
