just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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