I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
