So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
