sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
