It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
