I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
