I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
